Saturday, January 19, 2008

Me or my heart?

Me and my heart...

Its been a week+ with lots of drafts and unpublished posts... A week of crying in my heart and finding myself once again... Well... I've changed... I've matured alot... I'm not self-praising myself... What assured me I've changed alot is by the words of my ah pa Nicholas aka Gold Dragon and my aunty Joy...

Ok lets start from things that happened at Cartel...

David have left cartel already... Maybe looking for another job... Aww I'm gonna miss him hahaha...

Leanne!!! My favourite silly girl has left cartel too... The job's too tough for her I think... But having her around in Cartel would make a big difference for me... Hahaha... She nvr fails to cheer me up ^^ althou she is slow at buzzing =P and I have to help her but hey ^^ Its the joy of working together hahaha...

My sister Amelia... I'm afraid I'm losing her very very soon to cartel... Everyday's she's wif Kelvin and not much in contact with me anymore... The secrets-sharing session and brother-sister accompany session is no more... Most probably sharing everything with her bf now... Hahahaha... Asking why she couldn't go for service and cell... She told me it was personal reasons and couldn't tell me and she have already told Joy... What is so secretive that she can't tell me about? I wonder... She used to tell me her deepest, darkest secrets... And this secret can't be that bad... Can it?

Oh well... What I can do is to continue to be a brother and be there for this "sister"... Its already of my dearest memories... Seeing Amelia as a childish brat... Slowly growing up and facing troubles... Working at cartel... Finally getting someone that I believe is a very nice person... Too nice that at times... I'm afraid Amelia is using him... Hahaha... Seeing how so many part timers are starting to hate my sister... I can do nth but to sit there... try to protect her... but fail to do so...

Come to think of it... Wasn't this why I came to cartel? To protect and guide this sister of mine? If I can't do it... Why even am I still in cartel?...

Anyway i believe that theres more to come...

Recently... Everyone's asking me to give up... George... Wati... Leanne... Tracy... Alywin... Bonnie... Rachel... Kelvin Khoo... So many... So many...

It really is a test of time and patience...

Somehow... A part of my heart is slowly dying inside... each time I see that "brother" continuing eventhou I confronted him and ask him to make things clear... He just told me that he is close to her becos he is her "Guardian Angel"... and even told me... giving me more hope... that Im the "ONE" for her...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When Wati asked me... Why dun u do anything?

I just replied... There's nth I can do... But if she's happy wif him... I'll have to let go... Cos I just want her to be happy =)

That's from the bottom of my heart...

Alywin asked me something too... What are you going to do now?

After much thoughts... I replied... I'm gonna give her my blessings ba... hahaha... ~Smiles~

Am I really giving up? Hmm... Not exactly... but I just want her to be happy thats all =)
It's like betraying myself... Just for others to be happy... hahaha...

Brother Kelvin talked to me... at 7am in the morning... a Saturday morning... He called me up just to chat... hahaha... I really appreciate that ^^ We were both tired... hahaha but glad that he made an effort to call me =) I was ton-ing with Hui mun, Jimmy and Keelin outside the entire night... While Kelvin was outside with his friends the whole night too...

He told me from a 3rd person's pov... "That guy" and "her" from his pov... No doubt are bf/gf that kind...

As he continued observing... He told me what he can deduce hahaha... Me and Her and that brother... Both were sitting next to each other with her in the middle... the difference is... they were sitting closely together while many bags separate me and her... hahaha...

With that I just couldn't help but starting to burst out in laughter... Very much observant hor...

Seriously I have to thank Kelvin for comforting me... When I was tear-ing away at the kbox session... Only he noticed that tears were slowly dropping from my face... everyone else just continued in merry-making...

Nick told me... You're just plain naive...

Wati told me... You're one of the rare breed of men still on this earth XD

Joy told me... You've matured and grown alot in the past half a year... I'm proud of you...

Nicholas told me... It's good to see you growing... But... ~Lectures~ xP

The 1 person and 1 not-from-this-world being I would like to thank for this great change in me... Would be...

See Yueh and God

If I wasn't broken... I would have been the same Sam... the lousy Sam not many liked... the lousy Sam with his emo thinking...

Its the long long process... Of patching back the million pieces of my broken glass heart together... It's painful... It's lonely...

Many in the same situation would have gone the shorter and easier route... Turning bad... Flirting... Womanizing... Drinking... Smoking... Crimes...

Many a times if the past half a year... I was so tempted... by so many things... I seriously have to thank God that he has helped me in my way of thinking and not letting me get tempted...

Yesterday was the makings of the greatest history of the "hor fun" kids and me, the "hor fun" kids' cousin XD

Chris asked Joy to be his gf!!!!!

and Joy agreed!!!

Hahaha... My ah pa Nick started to play a song for them... A love song... The cheeky "us" decided to squeeze them together and let them enjoy the song my god pa played for them... As he was playing... I closed my eyes and laid my head on the sofa... Facing the ceiling... Everyone was cheering with joy... Instead I'm the only one with tears running down my face xD... I was so happy for Joy and Chris... but at the same time... Asking myself... Why issit me that I can't find my happiness yet... Do I have the resolve to go find it?

With that... We all headed down to a coffee shop near Michelle's place and on the way... As the rest chatted away... I blasted the song " Young Folks" given to me by my special friend, Leanne... Its a very cheerful-emo song xD...

Continue the rest later on in the night...
Ciao~!
~Samtaro(^^,)V~

Even If the Sun refuse to shine
Even If we lived in different times
Even If the ocean left the sea
There will still be you and me

CRUCIFIED at 11:04 PM

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Saturday, January 19, 2008